Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
