I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
