I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
