my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
