Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
