I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
