Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
