I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
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In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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