You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
