highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
