It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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