I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
