Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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