I faked an abortion last night.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket