I faked an abortion last night.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
