My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
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I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
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I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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