i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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