quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
