just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
