I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
