Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
