was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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