I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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