By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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