My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
