there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
