Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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