I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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