Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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