I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
