i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
