I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
