My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
