it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
