So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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