this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
