I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
