I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
