i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
