I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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