So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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