I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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