My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
