I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
