I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
