I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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