This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
