What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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