I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
