I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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