its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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