she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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