I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
i think i just lost a toe
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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