youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
