I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
