i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
