someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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