I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
