oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
