Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
