We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
